When I say Shark Week I am not referring the all the excellent shows on the Discovery Channel, but what I am referring to is scary, dangerous, and involves a lot of blood. It isn’t a highly anticipated television event that happens once a year; instead it is a highly dreaded monthly occurrence. Yes, when I say shark week I am referring to a woman’s period.
When God decided to design the female body, why he decided to give us periods is beyond me. I mean, I understand the shedding of lining and dropping of eggs, but couldn’t he make it all drop out faster? Like once a month you take a big long poop out of your vagina instead of dealing with it for 3-7 days of bloody drainage? Why does it have to come out so slow? It is what it is though and although periods are dreaded, we have all had at least one period in our life that was celebrated.
Shark week isn’t just a physical draining of blood out of the vagina, but it is an emotional hot mess too. Managing both is imperative to a relationship. I could tell you all the shark week mishap stories that I’ve experienced. There was the time I got period all over my boyfriend’s bed, which looked like a murder scene. Then there were the many times I cried for absolutely no reason. Oh, and I can’t forget the time my boyfriend’s dog got into the wastebasket and walked out with a tampon applicator in his mouth. They are all great stories and my blog is based on giving advice through stories, but for this post I am going to do something different. I am simply going to list out my personal 10 pieces of advice for men. So if you are a guy reading this, pay close attention. If you are a girl reading this and agreeing with my advice, send this blog post to all the guys you know.
1. She is always right during shark week. Suck it up and shut the fuck up.
2. Tell her she’s beautiful everyday during shark week even if she looks like a hot mess.
3. If she gets upset or cries for no reason just roll with it. Fight back with kindness and cuddle the crap out of her.
4. Offer her a lower back and abdomen massage, especially on days 1 and 2 of her period. Don’t forget to massage her breasts, they sometimes feel tender too.
5. If she asks to stay in that night be okay with it. How would you feel if you had gas cramps and anal leakage? Yes, that’s how she’s feeling.
6. Have her favorite foods readily available. My personal shark week cravings are usually Kit-Kats, Little Caesars pizza, and wine. Find out her favorites.
7. Invest in a heating pad.
8. Treat her well enough the other 3 weeks of the month so she will gladly give you a blow job during the heavy days of her period.
9. Invest in a couple dark towels if you are down with period sex, otherwise utilize the shower. Some think period is sex is gross, but it is very helpful with soothing cramping.
10. If you have a dog, buy a wastebasket with a top on it.
If you have further advice you’d like to share, please post it in the comment section below.