Bizarro Santorum

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Sweet tie.

At this point most (sane) people, Republican and Democrat, agree that Rick Santorum is an absolutely imbecilic maniac.

Republicans rightly wish he would get out of the race and let Romney do his general election dance off with Obama.

Democrats, though knowing Santorum wouldn’t even be deemed competent to stand trial, would love to see him stay in because a protracted primary (likely) gives Obama a better shot.

That said, being a Democrat vs being a Republican didn’t used to be so stiflingly polarizing. It used to be that regardless of differences there was this thing called ‘middle ground’ that the public relished to the nth degree. It, after all, afforded America the opportunity to move forward.

With Santorum, there is no middle ground.

With Romney, at least there’s confirmation that he’ll shake his campaign up, like an etch-a-sketch, and run a more centrist general election campaign.

By the way, the etch-a-sktech campaign philosophy is how politicking works. It’s not shocking in the slightest as pundits and candidates alike would have you believe. Both sides have to pander to the lunatic fringe within their own party then come towards the center where 90% of Americans live peacefully alongside reality.

Not a bad thing. At all.

I mean could you actually imagine what policy would look like if shaped by the extreme Right or the extreme Left? Or Santorum?

To support  Santorum is to well and truly have a defective and poorly wired mind. Especially now that it’s excruciatingly evident to all that he has less than a prepubescent girls chance with a clergyman of scoring the nomination.

But then I got to thinking, given how appallingly wrong and asinine Santorum’s views are, especially on social issues, imagine how amazing of a candidate Bizarro Santorum would be.

For the uninitiated, Bizarro World is the opposite of Earth and is where backwards Bizarro Superman lives. The whole concept is best explained via Seinfeld:

Bizarro Santorum would be astonishing in his success. Utterly tolerant. Beautifully compassionate. Exceedingly logical.

He’d bleed sunshine and happiness and monger nothing but joy.

He’d understand the separation of Church and State and not vomit at the idea of JFK applauding it.

In fact, he’d be totally secular and recall Article 11 of the unanimously passed Treaty of Tripoli, which reads;

As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion,-as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen,-and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.’

He’d recognize that the rights of the American people aren’t God-given at all and civil law doesn’t in any way need to comport with God’s law. A passing comparison of the Bill of Rights and the Ten Commandments shows extraordinarily little evidence that the former was based on the latter.

He’d also acknowledge that in addition to our laws not being based on the Bible, the codes of morality that religious fanatics claim came from the Ten Commandments/Bible actually predate the Judeo-Christian-Islamic philosophy. Morality emerged before religion to begin with. More so, knowledge of right and wrong (i.e., morals) may not even be a uniquely human construct.

Also the jealous God of the Ten Commandments references slavery (‘…in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant…’). A pretty not cool thing.

You get the point, long story short, he wouldn’t inject religion into every facet of everything.

Free from the painstaking task of slinging religious dogma, Bizarro Santorum would be able to use sound logic and reason to craft solutions.

Bizarro Santorum would be a proponent of embryonic stem cell research (actual Rick is OK with the use adult stem cells for research, though they are vastly more limited in application and harder to come by).

He’d be all about women’s rights and gay rights. He’d be a freakin rights machine.

He’d be thoroughly nuanced in his foreign policy and wouldn’t default to warring and imperialism.

He’d realize that arrogance and ignorance aren’t the integral building blocks of American Exceptionalism.

Bizarro Santorum wouldn’t lose Pennsylvania, unlike Rick Santorum, who likely will.

Bizarro Santorum definitely wouldn’t have to bow out of the race because he easily would’ve wrapped up the Republican nod by now and would be polling better than Obama because of his excessive need to be fair and thoughtful.

It would be pure magic and he’d be an absolute gentleman. The type that always had a kind word followed by a tip of the hat and a penchant for doling out guffaw inducing anecdotes over a tasty brew.

Unfortunately, we still have to deal with the regular ol’ heinously puritanical Rick. So be it. Just a few more weeks and he’ll fade from the collective consciousness.

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About Steve Tsentserensky

I'm 27. I went to The Ohio State University. I work in film/tv. I like movies, music and pictures. I'm also a huge fan of travel (anywhere), sports (all but baseball and cricket) and winter (not in the northeast though). Follow me on twitter (@chkchkwoo) for thoughts in 140 character increments or to complain about/discuss anything you've read by me. See my photo/video work here: www.sbtproductions.com

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